In a circle we sat,
Dazed by the light,
Lying to one another
On a starry night.
We drank some more beer,
To get the mood right,
And talked about deer,
Women, and fights.
And when I am tired
and memory a little hazy.
I return to my room
To sleep like a baby.
I like how this poem sums up the campfire, straight to the point.
ReplyDelete"and memory a little hazy" sounds weird when i say it out loud, wondering if "memory's" would work.
I agree with the comment above. Its straight to the point and it gives me the mood I would be in if I were by a campfire. You could make it a little longer though with some descriptive details. That would really give me that Texas campfire feeling.
ReplyDeleteHi John, Nice poems. I like that they are not cluttered up with unnecessary explanations and verbiage. I actually liked the first poem the best because of this, though there is little visual in it. I liked the irony of "Campfire" a lot. The assumption of a campfire is camping, but here the poet persona enjoys the outdoor experience only to wander back to his own bed. I would build up this irony even more, adding an image or reference to outdoor experience in the beginning of the poem. The middle poem was functional, and in some ways effective. But I thought a lot of the words could be taken out. In fact, I think about half the words could go. For example, why "just?" What does this word add to the poem? What does it add to "My Dad and I?" The first line of the second stanza can, I think, be reduced to "So cold." You don't need the rest, especially the "as you could hardly bare." Good stuff, though. The rest of the readers liked the poems too. dw
ReplyDeleteI like this poem. I was confused at first because I didn't read the title. I was searching for an underlying meaning, but then I saw campfire and realized the simplicity of this poem. Much like guys hanging out outdoors, there isn't much to it, just fun. Great job on capturing that!
ReplyDeleteJohn, this one is my favorite! I love it…and love the juxtaposition between the natural world and our comfortable, luxurious homes we live in now. The idea of boys or girls sitting around a campfire is a good one and brings back good memories for almost anyone whose experience this on a dark, starry night. Just a question, what did you mean by “lying” like telling lies? If so, make this clearer. I don’t understand what lies you would be telling, maybe tales or stories that are completely untrue to entertain one another? Also, last stanza, check with williams if you need a period after “hazy”. You could even use the word “smoky or cloudy” to depict the qualities of a campfire within your own thoughts. Great job!
ReplyDeleteJohn,
ReplyDeleteI really like this poem. It's simple, to the point, and describes the idea of a campfire very well. I was thinking that you could expand the poem and make it longer by adding more details about the campfire setting itself... like how the fire looked or the sounds and smells. Just typical setting elements. And then you could also go into more detail about why they're at the campfire and what exactly they're talking about. Good job though- you have a really great start!
I like that the conversation between characters is a mature one and yet he sleeps like a baby. Simple and satisfying.
ReplyDelete