We sit in the blind waiting,
Waiting for just that one chance
To see the horns that we so often chase.
Its as cold as you could hardly bare,
Yet we sit there.
Just my dad and I.
The sound of nothing is quite a sound,
As every move is amplified
When the sun sinks close to the trees.
The buck has arrived.
The trimmers set in and
He whispers, “Squeeze the trigger.”
As sight of him falling
Is a day well spent.
Just my dad and I.
Hey John. At first I thought this poem was made up of entirely haikus, but I read it again (with regard to syllables) and now understand that this is free verse.
ReplyDeleteThe strongest stanza (in my opinion) was:
"The sound of nothing is quite a sound,
As every move is amplified
When the sun sinks close to the trees."
I felt like I was there, and I have heard that silence before. Silence in itself is a sound, and you captured it not by what you hear, but by the actions taking place that create the silence. Very well done. Especially by word choice (amplified) and "the sun sinks close to the trees". Everyone can understand this type of silence because a sunset is silent.
One suggestion is to replace "cold as you can bear" with something that shows rather than tells. Everyone's connotation of cold varies; being the author, you have control over how cold the description needs to read in order to take the reader there. Just something to think about.
Good work. :)
John,
ReplyDeleteThis poem was great. It reminds me of my brother and father. I like when you repeated Just My Dad and I. It sounds very special and shows the reader the bond between the son and father. I also love the stanza about silence. The wording in this stanza made me feel the silence. Good work.
-Becca
Just a reminder, I think you meant “tremors” in stanza 4, line 2 instead of “trimmers.” Haha spelling can make all the difference. But, I would suggest helping the last stanza of the poem to finish it strongly. Maybe a reference to what kind of animal, what it looked like, its blood once killed etc to help the reader get an image of the falling thing. Great job. It reminds me of my brother and dad hunting.
ReplyDeleteJohn,
ReplyDeleteI really liked this poem! Especially the line about how the sound of nothing is quite a sound, and how every move is amplified. This was perfect to capture how a hunter is so focused on trying to hear the deer coming that every movement's sound seems significant. You might consider even cutting down some of the words to just give snapshots of images. Like maybe just putting "falling" when the dear falls, for example. Just a thought! Great poem!