Two Marine Corps Scout Snipers leaving base camp into the Iraq desert:
“I hate these freaking hummvees.”
“I’m kind of numb to it now.”
“Ya well the last thing I want to do is be killed in this tin box like a sardine.”
“Michael we go on these missions every night, why do you always complain?”
“I’m tired Jack, I’m tired of this bullshit country, I’m tired of being tired, and I’m tired of you being so damn enthusiastic all the time!”
“Well that’s what they taught you back stateside right? To be tired, miserable and still be able to kill.”
“Hoorah marine.”
“Quite being sarcastic and fix your goggles its going to be another dark one out there and I need ya buddy.”
“Ya all right, all right.”
(In position over looking a small village)
“How’s Kary, Jack?”
“Haven’t talked to her in a month and the baby is growing so fast I hate leaving her with all that on her plate.”
“Ya well that’s what you get when get married out of high school.”
“Guess so Mike. And thanks for the advice I thought friends were supposed to be helpful?”
“You think I’m a girl Jack? I cant help with your problems ha I can hardly handle my own.”
“Ya and you got plenty.”
“Real funny why don’t you just watch the….shit! RPG at two o’clock.”
“I’m on him. What’s the range Mike?”
“635 meters. Hold a half a mil right we have a bit of a cross wind from right to left.”
“Copy.”
“All you now buddy, fire when ready.”
(Shot taken and a hit)
“Damn he was a fast one but I think I snuck that shot beneath his chest.”
“Call it in Mike.”
(Mike radio’s back to base camp)
“Blackbird this is radar do you copy over.”
“Copy that radar what’s your status over”
“One insurgent down, confirmed kill over”
“Copy that radar proceed outside city limits to the LZ and the witch doctor will extract you at that location over.”
“Copy that radar out.”
“What the boss man say?”
“Said for you to stay and I’m going to go back to base”
“Ha real funny.”
“We need to hump it. Three clicks to the LZ.”
“Shit all right well looks like another evening run through the streets of Baghdad.”
“Seems like home doesn’t it.”
(Both return to base and debrief. Lieutenant walks in.)
“Jack I got the sat phone online it’s your wife.”
“Thanks LT”
(Jack returns to living quarters where Mike is reading on his cot.)
“Did you screw everything up with the wife idiot?”
“She’s pregnant.”
“WHAT? Congrats man! Can I be the godfather? Wait is it a boy or a girl?”
“Damn this is all so overwhelming….”
“What? How did the convo go?”
“Everything’s great that’s the thing I don’t understand. Why has she been so distant until now?”
“Is it your baby?”
“Ha shut up Kary isn’t like that and you know it, but she sounded so happy for once that it caught me off guard.”
“Isn’t that good dumbass?”
“Haha ya maybe I’m over reacting, we are what a couple thousand miles away?”
“You’re stressed dude. Take a load off, eat your MRE and tell me what she said.”
“You’re right I’m stressed. Everything is just fine she sounds great and the babies great, all I care about now is getting back to see my family this shit sucks.”
“I know I hear ya but….”
(An officer walks in)
“Boys Intel just came in suit up it’s going to be another early morning.”
(Both start getting ready for battle)
“Wow this is just great timing.”
“Ya well hopefully it’ll keep your mind off her.”
“Ha ya a 3am house raid will do it for sure.”
(General informs them of raid)
“Well boys it looks like we have another high-ranking officer bunkered down five clicks north of bravo sector. He travels heavily armed and with three bodyguards with him at all times. Our mission is to set up position on rooftops surrounding the target. Jack you and Michael set up position on the east side of the building and you need to be our eyes and ears out there cause you’ll are over looking the front door.”
“Yes sir!”
“Yes sir!”
(Positioned on a roof top 100 meters from the target building)
“It’s another dark one out here Jacky.”
“First don’t call me Jacky and second turn on your night scope the teams are already in position.”
“Ya ya ok…wait what was that?”
“Shit we got a bogie with an AK 47 runnin’ our way. Call it in. There’s a lot more.”
“Blackbird this is radar we have incoming hostiles on target site over.
Copy that radar. Hold tight over.”
“Wow what the hell. Do they not know that the enemy is about to ambush us?!”
“I’m about to start picking off these guys if they get to close.”
“I am too.”
“How the hell do they know we are here?”
“I don’t know but lets unload on these guys! Obviously they know something. What’s the range to first guy walking down the street strapped down like a Rambo?”
“250 meters.”
“What direction is the wind Mike?”
(A shot rings passed Jack’s ear.)
“Shit what was that? Mike? Michael?
“I’m hit! I’m hit!”
“Where did it come from? Michael stay with me buddy stay with me!”
(Michael waking up in hospital with Jack standing over him.)
“You kill that bastard that hit me?”
“Ha ya I took care of him.”
“How did I get here?”
“Lets just say I had a bit of a harder time reaching the LZ with you on my back.”
“You could have been killed out there Jack why did you do that?”
“Cause I want my son to meet his Godfather.”
John,
ReplyDeleteI really liked reading your dialogue- I thought it sounded natural and flowed well. The only thing I would suggest is to put the characters' names before each quote. Or specify in some way who is speaking. I was kinda lost at first. And in the middle, unless they said the other's name in the quote, I was confused about who was speaking. At least at the beginning I'd make sure that the reader knows who is speaking. Oh and I didn't know what a few of the war terms meant so maybe include a glossary at the beginning. Good job so far! And I really liked the ending, by the way. I thought it was a nice way to conclude the story.
Hey John,
ReplyDeleteNice dialogue-it was different and refreshing to be taken to a scene to which I am not that familiar. One point I would like to make is that it would be extremely helpful to mention who is speaking each line. Another thing is perhaps you could find someway to mention the depth of Michael and Jack's relation--do they go way back, met while in the army that kind of thing. Good work.